The Attempt at Something Meaningful

My drive in life comes from a reaching for something meaningful. I am seeking something of meaning. I feel a great need to achieve something meaningful, something of value, something of worth. Nothing is of more importance to me.

Consequently I strive for everything I do to be meaningful. To be good. To be substantial and of worth. This is why I have called this blog, "An Attempt at Something Meaningful". This is what I am trying to understand. This incessant drive and reach is something that seems wrapped around me. It is bound and intrinsically part of me.

Yet my attempt at something meaningful seems to hurt me. It seems to be causing me pain and tied to my mental health struggles. It is not bad to reach for something meaningful but why does it cause my so much stress? Why does it seem to be at the centre of anxiety and depression for me?

"You're no good, you could never achieve something of worth or value."

There's this voice in me that keeps nagging at me.

"Why do you constantly make mistakes?"

I get so frustrated with myself when I make mistakes? Why must I feel the need to be perfect?

This is the intersection of my attitudes that cause my problems. I have to do something meaningful. Everything must be filled with meaning and purpose. Everything must be good and worthwhile. The bar is high.

But I could never reach that bar. I cannot be that great or perfect and yet I hold this standard for myself.

I stress to reach that place. I am sad when I cannot.

Anxiety from the attempts to achieve meaning with every moment and every breath.

Depression from all the failed attempts to make every moment amazingly meaningful.

It would seem something needs to be done about this unceasing attempt at something meaningful and belief that I'm no good. I may be able to cut a path through this anxiety and depression if I can find a new way forward without such a high bar set for myself and such low expectations.