Of Space and Time

"There's a murder of crows flying high over head
On this desolate road, will I tend to forget
About you and I, and our fight to survive
Through this thunderous life
When we're not side by side"

Taken from http://img11.deviantart.net/9ab4/i/2010/00
4/1/0/winter_crows_by_katzilla13.jpg

Don't forget the people that are beside you as you tread a road alone. They may not be able to tread the same road, it might be lonely, but do not forget them. Wives may not experience the depression and anxiety of their husbands, but they have a battle all their own - living with and loving a husband battling with depression and anxiety.

"I'm roaming through the hills all alone
I'm trying to find my direction home
A question of space, a matter of time
I follow the stars until the first light"

Taken from https://tau0.files.wordpress.co
m/2013/04/montana_rainy_afternoon_2.jpg

 This is a journey you take alone. You wander through hills endlessly. Walk it long enough and the ground becomes familiar, the exhaustion - normal. Then occasionally the landscape changes. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Either way you need to accept changes as they come. Get used to the space. You need to navigate the time. No tech to help you through. Just the stars and your own maturity to get you through the night.

"I don't know what drugs to take
To successfully alter the state
That my mind has been in as of late
Something is eating away at my brain
There's an elephant in the back of the room
And it's standing in plain view
Everyone can see, that it looks just like me"

Taken from https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736
x/8a/2d/93/8a2d9377bc052a349b508ea1b01c8acb.jpg

How do you manage? How do you cope? How do you understand? What's the fix for a problem you can't see? 

But we sense it. Others sense it. There is something wrong. It's the elephant in the room. It follows me everywhere. It's not me exactly. But it looks a hell of a lot like me. And when it's always with me - and who knows how long for - how can I know what life is like without it? 

Does anyone know what I'm like with that stupid elephant hanging around? 

Depression. 
Anxiety. 
It's not me. 
But who am I without it? 

I'm roaming through the hills all alone
I'm trying to find my direction home
A question of space, a matter of time
I follow the stars until the first light

I will not call this road home
Though it is all I know
I will not call this road home
Though it is all I know

Taken from https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com
/236x/aa/fe/54/aafe5449235a9eab702649fa25e44ebe.jpg

Keep moving. Follow the stars. Hopefully eventually you'll find home. It won't be familiar. 

It'll be weird.

Strange. 

Odd. 

But it'll be better. 

Safer. 

Easier. 


Home. I want to go home. Sometimes I feel like I can glimpse it. Some days you feel like you're there, but like sand runs through your fingers you can't hold onto it. But there is a memory. And maybe that will help you keep walking this familiar road until it ends.

I'm roaming through the hills all alone
I'm trying to find my direction home
A question of space, a matter of time
I follow the stars until the first light

==================

Dallas Green (aka City and Colour) is an amazing artist who's music has been an amazing comfort for a couple years now. This post has been titled Of Space and Time after the song of his by the same name. That song rings so true for me. It might be lonely but don't forget the people around you. That elephant might follow you around but you are not your anxiety and depression. One day you'll be free of them. Keep walking. And yes that's a battle too. The road has grown too familiar. At some point you have to snap to and realise that while this road has become normal it is not home. That you need to keep walking, keep following the stars by night til you arrive home. And hopefully home one day will become normal instead of that cursed road.

Introduction

Focus. Focus. Focus.

It's fine. You're okay.

Breathe. Okay.

Now. Act from your values. What do you believe is the right thing to do here?

"Write something that reflects this blog and what it's about"

Okay. Great. That's great.

Now. You don't have to write everything in your first blog post. You can focus on one thing and just talk about that. It doesn't have to be perfect. It won't be. It just has to be something true and honest.

Now you can write.

============

You arrive at junctions in your life and just the other day I arrived at one of mine - hence a blog. An attempt to collate thoughts coherently. An attempt to do something constructive that will help me get better.

"Get better?"

Yes. Get better.

I've been dealing with an anxiety problem for twelve months now. Well, I've been treated for it for the past twelve months. Now just on Thursday I discovered that it wasn't just an anxiety problem, but also a depression problem.

The latter was really difficult to deal with. Took me a few days to accept it - most of which was spent in a frustrated haze of sadness and mourning. It shattered my sense of who I am. I hurt my pride, because I found out that I was more broken and defective than I liked to think I was.

A few days later and you manage to pick yourself up off the floor and have a good couple days. You accept that this is part of your life but does not define you. It's an opportunity. A chance to be better.

Well. In the good moments that's what you think.

In the darker moments you hurt, you bleed, you fight yourself, you curse God and this stupid fucking world he has put people that can feel this kind of misery - and my misery isn't even that bad. You feel sorry that your wife is stuck with you and wonder how she can endure you - the darker moments are pretty dark.

Fortunately the darker moments can be fought. They can even be triumphed over. In the end you keep going and the positive moments do win. Every time. Which is odd to say so confidently, but because you always come back to the positive moments eventually that's a clear sign they win out isn't it?

So how is this a good introduction to this blog? It shows you why I'm writing it. My thoughts are a jumble and see-saw. I'm aiming for less depressed and dark moments and more of the positive ones. I'm aiming for less anxiety and less hard work to do everyday things.

This blog is part of that attempt to get better. So at some point when I sit down to take on a project I don't have the minor freak out I did before starting this blog post with, "You arrive at junctions in your life..."