I take a step.
I take another step.
And another.
I have just gotten out of bed and my ankles hurt straight away.
Is pain the only indicator that I am alive?
Dressed I step out the door,
A small step to the pavement.
Dark.
Always dark.
A hand to the wind,
The swinging of a door,
Greeted by the familiar silence of a miserable bus driver.
The sun swings over the water,
It greets me over the ANZAC bridge.
I take a step,
I take another step.
And another.
I turn around back to my wife and kiss her gently.
She smiles through her sleep.
Dressed I step out the door,
Two feet first I bound to the pavement,
Greeted by the darkness and a freezing winter breeze,
This is my street greeting me before any of my neighbours.
A hand to the wind,
A flash of light and a rush of warm air,
I greet the bus driver and this time the black dog is no where to be seen.
And he has not been back for quite a while.
Saturday, September 10, 2016
Friday, July 22, 2016
A junction.
A gear change.
A game changer.
We see moments of change in mechanical metaphors. What happened to organic metaphors of plants and ones of child birth? Natural things.
Our lives are an evolution. Pain doesn't mean something is broken. Frustration doesn't mean we're doing anything wrong.
How do we understand change?
We have to understand ourselves differently. Self perception has to change. Identity shifts. Or
We don't. Then we struggle.
We have to put an end to something in order to start something new. This is stressful. How do we roll with these things?
I know how to learn.
I know how to adapt and cope.
This brings confidence. It brings comfort and eases the nerves.
And then there's just the fact that everyone feels like a fraud and we're all faking it till we make it.
A gear change.
A game changer.
We see moments of change in mechanical metaphors. What happened to organic metaphors of plants and ones of child birth? Natural things.
Our lives are an evolution. Pain doesn't mean something is broken. Frustration doesn't mean we're doing anything wrong.
How do we understand change?
We have to understand ourselves differently. Self perception has to change. Identity shifts. Or
We don't. Then we struggle.
We have to put an end to something in order to start something new. This is stressful. How do we roll with these things?
I know how to learn.
I know how to adapt and cope.
This brings confidence. It brings comfort and eases the nerves.
And then there's just the fact that everyone feels like a fraud and we're all faking it till we make it.
Friday, April 22, 2016
Hypocrisy
You’re a hypocrite if you don’t live up to your ideals.
But if
you can you’re not aiming high enough…
Tuesday, March 15, 2016
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Ben Urich's surly and experienced editor calls everyone together, "All right, listen up, everybody!
"We have reports coming in of multiple explosions all across Hell's Kitchen.
"Hey Henricks, call PD, get a statement.
"Taylor, reach out to your guy at public works and see if gas or methane had anything to do with this."
Ben interrupts, "What are the locations?"
"You see me talking here Urich?"
"I'm just saying it'd help if we knew where we we're going to cover this."
"Caldwell, give me that list. Where are you?
"Please. Come on, come on."
"All right. locations are as follows, 44th and 11th, 48th and 9th, 47th and 12th, 42nd and 10th."
"It's not gas."
"How do you know that?"
"Places that were hit, all controlled by the Russians."
This is part of a transcript for the TV show Daredevil. Season 1, episode 6. It's one of my favorite episodes from one of my favorite TV shows.
I'm not alone in my appreciation for the comic Daredevil and this TV show adaptation. The comics are incredibly popular and the TV show is critically acclaimed as well as loved by fans.
What is the appeal of comics and these shows? They are a hyper-reality that somehow remain relatable despite the protagonists having super-human abilities. Why would we care? Surely we would have just written off these stories as child like and ridiculous long ago.
However I think they continue to remain relevant and appealing for what we hope for in our own lives. They offer something exciting for the bored; victory for the defeated; strength for the weak. Ultimately though, I believe they tell a story of ability to overcome.
We are constantly faced with our own inabilities, faced with frustrations and the need to overcome. Whether angry with society and the fat cats that hold us down or the people closest to us that hurt us without cause comics tell a story of people that seem more capable than us to overcome the problems they face. This is a story that we need and a story that we long for in our own lives; the superhuman ability to overcome.
For me this is a story that I need in my life. I am constantly faced more and more each day with the depth of my illness. This cloud, this aggressive fog that permeates my mind and makes me act and do things that I would not otherwise do. It makes me worse than I am, and I am bad enough as it is. This is unacceptable.
I need to overcome this. I need the ability to win and defeat the monsters that rage within and change me. I fear though that I cannot. The stories in comics, and the story of Daredevil - Matt Murdock - is one that inspires me though. It brings me hope that if someone like Matt can overcome his problems and enemies, no matter how big they are, that I in the comparably smaller problems can overcome them. Even if I don't have superhuman abilities.
We have reports coming in of multiple explosions all across Hell's Kitchen.
Hey, Henricks, call PD, get a statement.
Yeah.
Taylor, reach out to your guy at public works and see if gas or methane had anything to do with this.
What are the locations?
You see me talking here, Urich?
I'm just saying, it'd help if we knew where we were going to cover this.
Caldwell, give me that list. Where are you?
Please. Come on, come on.
All right, locations are as follows, 44th and 11th, 48th and 9th, 47th and 12th, 42nd and 10th.
It's not gas.
How do you know that?
Places that were hit, all controlled by the Russians.
Read more at: http://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewtopic.php?f=270&t=17737&sid=f7367a3224a884162f73fe05b7d72880
Read more at: http://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewtopic.php?f=270&t=17737&sid=f7367a3224a884162f73fe05b7d72880
We have reports coming in of multiple explosions all across Hell's Kitchen.
Hey, Henricks, call PD, get a statement.
Yeah.
Taylor, reach out to your guy at public works and see if gas or methane had anything to do with this.
What are the locations?
You see me talking here, Urich?
I'm just saying, it'd help if we knew where we were going to cover this.
Caldwell, give me that list. Where are you?
Please. Come on, come on.
All right, locations are as follows, 44th and 11th, 48th and 9th, 47th and 12th, 42nd and 10th.
It's not gas.
How do you know that?
Places that were hit, all controlled by the Russians.
Read more at: http://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewtopic.php?f=270&t=17737&sid=f7367a3224a884162f73fe05b7d72880
Read more at: http://transcripts.foreverdreaming.org/viewtopic.php?f=270&t=17737&sid=f7367a3224a884162f73fe05b7d72880
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
The Attempt at Something Meaningful
My drive in life comes from a reaching for something meaningful. I am seeking something of meaning. I feel a great need to achieve something meaningful, something of value, something of worth. Nothing is of more importance to me.
Consequently I strive for everything I do to be meaningful. To be good. To be substantial and of worth. This is why I have called this blog, "An Attempt at Something Meaningful". This is what I am trying to understand. This incessant drive and reach is something that seems wrapped around me. It is bound and intrinsically part of me.
Yet my attempt at something meaningful seems to hurt me. It seems to be causing me pain and tied to my mental health struggles. It is not bad to reach for something meaningful but why does it cause my so much stress? Why does it seem to be at the centre of anxiety and depression for me?
"You're no good, you could never achieve something of worth or value."
There's this voice in me that keeps nagging at me.
"Why do you constantly make mistakes?"
I get so frustrated with myself when I make mistakes? Why must I feel the need to be perfect?
This is the intersection of my attitudes that cause my problems. I have to do something meaningful. Everything must be filled with meaning and purpose. Everything must be good and worthwhile. The bar is high.
But I could never reach that bar. I cannot be that great or perfect and yet I hold this standard for myself.
I stress to reach that place. I am sad when I cannot.
Anxiety from the attempts to achieve meaning with every moment and every breath.
Depression from all the failed attempts to make every moment amazingly meaningful.
It would seem something needs to be done about this unceasing attempt at something meaningful and belief that I'm no good. I may be able to cut a path through this anxiety and depression if I can find a new way forward without such a high bar set for myself and such low expectations.
Consequently I strive for everything I do to be meaningful. To be good. To be substantial and of worth. This is why I have called this blog, "An Attempt at Something Meaningful". This is what I am trying to understand. This incessant drive and reach is something that seems wrapped around me. It is bound and intrinsically part of me.
Yet my attempt at something meaningful seems to hurt me. It seems to be causing me pain and tied to my mental health struggles. It is not bad to reach for something meaningful but why does it cause my so much stress? Why does it seem to be at the centre of anxiety and depression for me?
"You're no good, you could never achieve something of worth or value."
There's this voice in me that keeps nagging at me.
"Why do you constantly make mistakes?"
I get so frustrated with myself when I make mistakes? Why must I feel the need to be perfect?
This is the intersection of my attitudes that cause my problems. I have to do something meaningful. Everything must be filled with meaning and purpose. Everything must be good and worthwhile. The bar is high.
But I could never reach that bar. I cannot be that great or perfect and yet I hold this standard for myself.
I stress to reach that place. I am sad when I cannot.
Anxiety from the attempts to achieve meaning with every moment and every breath.
Depression from all the failed attempts to make every moment amazingly meaningful.
It would seem something needs to be done about this unceasing attempt at something meaningful and belief that I'm no good. I may be able to cut a path through this anxiety and depression if I can find a new way forward without such a high bar set for myself and such low expectations.
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
Of Space and Time
"There's a murder of crows flying high over head
On this desolate road, will I tend to forget
About you and I, and our fight to survive
Through this thunderous life
When we're not side by side"
Don't forget the people that are beside you as you tread a road alone. They may not be able to tread the same road, it might be lonely, but do not forget them. Wives may not experience the depression and anxiety of their husbands, but they have a battle all their own - living with and loving a husband battling with depression and anxiety.
"I'm roaming through the hills all alone
I'm trying to find my direction home
A question of space, a matter of time
I follow the stars until the first light"
This is a journey you take alone. You wander through hills endlessly. Walk it long enough and the ground becomes familiar, the exhaustion - normal. Then occasionally the landscape changes. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Either way you need to accept changes as they come. Get used to the space. You need to navigate the time. No tech to help you through. Just the stars and your own maturity to get you through the night.
"I don't know what drugs to take
To successfully alter the state
That my mind has been in as of late
Something is eating away at my brain
There's an elephant in the back of the room
And it's standing in plain view
Everyone can see, that it looks just like me"
How do you manage? How do you cope? How do you understand? What's the fix for a problem you can't see?
But we sense it. Others sense it. There is something wrong. It's the elephant in the room. It follows me everywhere. It's not me exactly. But it looks a hell of a lot like me. And when it's always with me - and who knows how long for - how can I know what life is like without it?
Does anyone know what I'm like with that stupid elephant hanging around?
Depression.
Anxiety.
It's not me.
But who am I without it?
I'm roaming through the hills all alone
I'm trying to find my direction home
A question of space, a matter of time
I follow the stars until the first light
I will not call this road home
Though it is all I know
I will not call this road home
Though it is all I know
Keep moving. Follow the stars. Hopefully eventually you'll find home. It won't be familiar.
It'll be weird.
Strange.
Odd.
But it'll be better.
Safer.
Easier.
Home. I want to go home. Sometimes I feel like I can glimpse it. Some days you feel like you're there, but like sand runs through your fingers you can't hold onto it. But there is a memory. And maybe that will help you keep walking this familiar road until it ends.
I'm roaming through the hills all alone
I'm trying to find my direction home
A question of space, a matter of time
I follow the stars until the first light
==================
Dallas Green (aka City and Colour) is an amazing artist who's music has been an amazing comfort for a couple years now. This post has been titled Of Space and Time after the song of his by the same name. That song rings so true for me. It might be lonely but don't forget the people around you. That elephant might follow you around but you are not your anxiety and depression. One day you'll be free of them. Keep walking. And yes that's a battle too. The road has grown too familiar. At some point you have to snap to and realise that while this road has become normal it is not home. That you need to keep walking, keep following the stars by night til you arrive home. And hopefully home one day will become normal instead of that cursed road.
On this desolate road, will I tend to forget
About you and I, and our fight to survive
Through this thunderous life
When we're not side by side"
 |
| Taken from http://img11.deviantart.net/9ab4/i/2010/00 4/1/0/winter_crows_by_katzilla13.jpg |
"I'm roaming through the hills all alone
I'm trying to find my direction home
A question of space, a matter of time
I follow the stars until the first light"
 |
| Taken from https://tau0.files.wordpress.co m/2013/04/montana_rainy_afternoon_2.jpg |
"I don't know what drugs to take
To successfully alter the state
That my mind has been in as of late
Something is eating away at my brain
There's an elephant in the back of the room
And it's standing in plain view
Everyone can see, that it looks just like me"
 |
| Taken from https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736 x/8a/2d/93/8a2d9377bc052a349b508ea1b01c8acb.jpg |
But we sense it. Others sense it. There is something wrong. It's the elephant in the room. It follows me everywhere. It's not me exactly. But it looks a hell of a lot like me. And when it's always with me - and who knows how long for - how can I know what life is like without it?
Does anyone know what I'm like with that stupid elephant hanging around?
Depression.
Anxiety.
It's not me.
But who am I without it?
I'm roaming through the hills all alone
I'm trying to find my direction home
A question of space, a matter of time
I follow the stars until the first light
I will not call this road home
Though it is all I know
I will not call this road home
Though it is all I know
 |
| Taken from https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com /236x/aa/fe/54/aafe5449235a9eab702649fa25e44ebe.jpg |
It'll be weird.
Strange.
Odd.
But it'll be better.
Safer.
Easier.
Home. I want to go home. Sometimes I feel like I can glimpse it. Some days you feel like you're there, but like sand runs through your fingers you can't hold onto it. But there is a memory. And maybe that will help you keep walking this familiar road until it ends.
I'm roaming through the hills all alone
I'm trying to find my direction home
A question of space, a matter of time
I follow the stars until the first light
==================
Dallas Green (aka City and Colour) is an amazing artist who's music has been an amazing comfort for a couple years now. This post has been titled Of Space and Time after the song of his by the same name. That song rings so true for me. It might be lonely but don't forget the people around you. That elephant might follow you around but you are not your anxiety and depression. One day you'll be free of them. Keep walking. And yes that's a battle too. The road has grown too familiar. At some point you have to snap to and realise that while this road has become normal it is not home. That you need to keep walking, keep following the stars by night til you arrive home. And hopefully home one day will become normal instead of that cursed road.
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Introduction
Focus. Focus. Focus.
It's fine. You're okay.
Breathe. Okay.
Now. Act from your values. What do you believe is the right thing to do here?
"Write something that reflects this blog and what it's about"
Okay. Great. That's great.
Now. You don't have to write everything in your first blog post. You can focus on one thing and just talk about that. It doesn't have to be perfect. It won't be. It just has to be something true and honest.
Now you can write.
============
You arrive at junctions in your life and just the other day I arrived at one of mine - hence a blog. An attempt to collate thoughts coherently. An attempt to do something constructive that will help me get better.
"Get better?"
Yes. Get better.
I've been dealing with an anxiety problem for twelve months now. Well, I've been treated for it for the past twelve months. Now just on Thursday I discovered that it wasn't just an anxiety problem, but also a depression problem.
The latter was really difficult to deal with. Took me a few days to accept it - most of which was spent in a frustrated haze of sadness and mourning. It shattered my sense of who I am. I hurt my pride, because I found out that I was more broken and defective than I liked to think I was.
A few days later and you manage to pick yourself up off the floor and have a good couple days. You accept that this is part of your life but does not define you. It's an opportunity. A chance to be better.
Well. In the good moments that's what you think.
In the darker moments you hurt, you bleed, you fight yourself, you curse God and this stupid fucking world he has put people that can feel this kind of misery - and my misery isn't even that bad. You feel sorry that your wife is stuck with you and wonder how she can endure you - the darker moments are pretty dark.
Fortunately the darker moments can be fought. They can even be triumphed over. In the end you keep going and the positive moments do win. Every time. Which is odd to say so confidently, but because you always come back to the positive moments eventually that's a clear sign they win out isn't it?
So how is this a good introduction to this blog? It shows you why I'm writing it. My thoughts are a jumble and see-saw. I'm aiming for less depressed and dark moments and more of the positive ones. I'm aiming for less anxiety and less hard work to do everyday things.
This blog is part of that attempt to get better. So at some point when I sit down to take on a project I don't have the minor freak out I did before starting this blog post with, "You arrive at junctions in your life..."
It's fine. You're okay.
Breathe. Okay.
Now. Act from your values. What do you believe is the right thing to do here?
"Write something that reflects this blog and what it's about"
Okay. Great. That's great.
Now. You don't have to write everything in your first blog post. You can focus on one thing and just talk about that. It doesn't have to be perfect. It won't be. It just has to be something true and honest.
Now you can write.
============
You arrive at junctions in your life and just the other day I arrived at one of mine - hence a blog. An attempt to collate thoughts coherently. An attempt to do something constructive that will help me get better.
"Get better?"
Yes. Get better.
I've been dealing with an anxiety problem for twelve months now. Well, I've been treated for it for the past twelve months. Now just on Thursday I discovered that it wasn't just an anxiety problem, but also a depression problem.
The latter was really difficult to deal with. Took me a few days to accept it - most of which was spent in a frustrated haze of sadness and mourning. It shattered my sense of who I am. I hurt my pride, because I found out that I was more broken and defective than I liked to think I was.
A few days later and you manage to pick yourself up off the floor and have a good couple days. You accept that this is part of your life but does not define you. It's an opportunity. A chance to be better.
Well. In the good moments that's what you think.
In the darker moments you hurt, you bleed, you fight yourself, you curse God and this stupid fucking world he has put people that can feel this kind of misery - and my misery isn't even that bad. You feel sorry that your wife is stuck with you and wonder how she can endure you - the darker moments are pretty dark.
Fortunately the darker moments can be fought. They can even be triumphed over. In the end you keep going and the positive moments do win. Every time. Which is odd to say so confidently, but because you always come back to the positive moments eventually that's a clear sign they win out isn't it?
So how is this a good introduction to this blog? It shows you why I'm writing it. My thoughts are a jumble and see-saw. I'm aiming for less depressed and dark moments and more of the positive ones. I'm aiming for less anxiety and less hard work to do everyday things.
This blog is part of that attempt to get better. So at some point when I sit down to take on a project I don't have the minor freak out I did before starting this blog post with, "You arrive at junctions in your life..."
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